I am a planner
Thant’s what I do professionally… I am a project manager. I plan. From concept to execution. Every step. Every date and milestone that must happen for the project to continue and end on its required date. To be successful. To launch on time. To bring in revenue at the expected date. Very detailed and organized and specific right?
In my personal life I was not a planner. I was scattered, disorganized, late, unreliable, anxious. So I started to apply many of my professional skills to my personal life. I became more on time. More organized. Detailed. Mapping out every step from A to Z in every aspect of my personal life. Vacations. Gardening. Home Improvement. An entrepreneurial endeavor. I felt much more in control. So I planned more. And more. And more. And I got really good, and slightly obsessed with the planning. But I wasn’t really “doing.” Once the plan was created, I felt accomplished. Lost interest in the doing. Lost interest in the project coming to fruition. The “doing” of the steps was boring, not challenging, not unknown.
So I noticed I wasn’t really “doing” much… other than planning.
My life professionally and personally has become lots of plans. Not many moments… or true experiences. I’ve got it all planned. But I’m not really living.
I am logical.
I’m also fascinated by the visceral, the not-so-concrete and logical.
I adore yoga, especially the slow intentional method of Yin Yoga. This practice led me to a love of understanding energy and chakras. I am Reiki 2 certified.
I am inspired by psychology, the working of the body and mind, why we do the things we do, think the things we think. Our subconscious motivations that usually have some sort of science or energy behind the why. So I am dabling in life coach training.
I am so incredibly drawn to logic, planning, exactness, control… as well as, spirit, energy, chakras, subconscious, intuition. It seems my two worlds… my profession of planning, exactness, measurement… do not align with my intuitive attraction of mind, body, spirit. But somehow I can’t stop intertwining them.
I feel conflicted. As if I need to pick one side or the other. I am either Logical or Visceral. I am not permitted to be both. Every time I pick a side, the other calls me back. Can I be on both sides? Can I even join both forces somehow and feel more whole and complete?
I guess we’ll see won’t we? But only if I do. All the planning in the world will not give me my answer. So I must do. And maybe what I discover along this journey will be the answer. Maybe the journey itself is my answer. Maybe I need to quit contemplating the what if’s (I change my mind, I don’t like it, I’m not happy, it doesn’t work how I expect/want it to) and give the journey the power to be my ongoing answer.
I think I like this idea. This answer that is not an answer yet kind of is.
Will you join me?